It Started Out As a Feeling

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
‘Til it was a battle cry

I’ll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything’s changing
Doesn’t mean it’s never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You’ll come back
When it’s over
No need to say good bye

You’ll come back
When it’s over
No need to say good bye

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
‘Til they’re before your eyes

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

Matching on New Year!

LR: Daina, Mader, Bianca, Me

Because its the annual New Year Party at home, we wore matching polos! Happy happy new year!!

 

2012, Make it happen! <3

Bewildered

I don’t really watch Glee anymore; I only watch them for the song numbers since I’ve always dreamt for my life to be a great musical show (haha!). But today, I stumbled upon one episode where Queen says something that made sense. It’s a reality in life that we all wish wasn’t true. So the line goes like this:

“You know what growing up is all about? Losing things.”

It’s true. I remember my first lost, I lost my favorite pillow I named Ballie when our family moved to our house. I used to always place my feet on top of it because I liked the fuzzy feel. When I lost Ballie, life wasn’t the same. No pillow would make the cut. But eventually, life went on and I moved on.

Not lost, bewildered.

And so then I moved on to remembering my other loses – my first relationship, first real heartbreak, the exams I failed, the books I lent and can no longer trace to whom – all these were some things I have learned to laugh about. But I went to a darker place when I reminded myself how I lost all my passion, for losing foresight of my niche, for not knowing where I am really and for losing direction.

But slowly I reminded myself that sometimes, we lose things for a reason. And sometimes those are reasons we can never know nor fully understand. But that’s what growing up is all about. It’s about losing things and finding something new amidst it all. Losing things is also an opportunity for better things to come; it’s having more room for even greater things.

I’m at that point in my life when I feel like I totally lost all direction, all control. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IM DOING AND WHERE I’M GOING.  But I do know that as long as I believe, as long as I have faith I’ll find my place, at the perfect time. After all I’m still growing up. And one day I’ll say the same thing Colette in PanAm said: I wasn’t lost; I was bewildered by the moment.

He Was Mooji

It’s been so long since I wrote. But today I just couldn’t help it. I just had to write my heart out.

My little sister’s dog was taken away from her. Mooji, her dog, got sick and sadly that little piece of heaven didn’t make it. I know, some may find it petty, corny even to feel so badly and cry your heart out for a dog. After all, they’re replaceable right? But like any pet owner I would say HE WASN’T JUST A DOG, HE WAS MOOJI.

But what really got me into writing was the fact that he was taken away so quickly. How all that happiness ended just like that. And I’m telling you that’s an all different kind of pain.

You see, I was in a relationship and just barely three months into it we broke it off for a myriad of reasons. Some obvious, some shady, some deep, some shallow, some makes sense while some you simply can’t understand. It’s especially painful because we were just starting and we barely had the chance to make things work and make lovely memories. And you experience that painful moment when you realize all of it is gone, after how long you’ve waited for it.

But then one day you wake up and realize that the worst is over, that you realize you’re doing more than fine. And you come to accept that at some point we all lose people, we lose pets, we lose loved ones. And we can’t help it.

The thing is, this blog isn’t about that heartache I once felt over loosing the person (believe me I’ve written about that. haha), this is about our amazing ability to survive, and the lessons that we learn. The thing is, no matter how short and how painful it all ended, I’m still happy and I feel blessed that it happened. Because it opened my eyes to the fact that a love like that exists, it opened my eyes to the beauty that life really holds. Because when you go through heartbreak like that it can either break you or make you. And I have chosen for it to make me into this person that I am now.

Short relationships make you see the importance of time more than anything. And to never live a life of regrets. At the end of it all the heart amazes us with what it is capable of, of how much love it can give and how forgiving it can be.

To my little sister Regine, after this, life can only get better. I love you.

Mooji and Regine

Drawing Lines

I always say that I draw the line when you start hurting my friends.

You see, I wouldn’t mind if you want to run over the car I’m driving, I wouldn’t mind if you destroy my reputation, and I wouldn’t mind if you keep breaking my heart. But I draw the line when you run over the car I’m driving and someone’s in the passenger seat. I draw the line when you destroy my friends’ reputation. And I especially become vindictive when you start breaking my friends’ heart.

I usually let offenses go, but this, I just refuse to.

I draw the line here.

You see, I got my heart broken, so I know what kind of hell it feels like. I know how hard it is to control the raging storm someone with a broken heart feels inside. And because of this we cope. We try to get over it and we try to fill that empty space we feel inside.

Trust me, the despair, the loneliness, the hurt I know how they feel all too well. But these are never valid excuses nor reasons for using people and not even minding how they would feel afterwards. You don’t cure hurt by inflicting hurt. You don’t treat loneliness by bringing loneliness. And you definitely don’t erase despair by binding despair.

I understand you got your heart broken, and I feel for you. But I can not tolerate this insensitivity. You got your heart broken too, all the more that you should know better. I understand you want to be happy and I know somehow you deserve to be. But you can be happy without hurting other people’s feelings, that’s true happiness.

After my previous relationship, I lost all tolerance to infidelity, having your strings pulled and vague relationship statuses. It simply does not end well for both and the worst part is, it ends extremely bad for the one who cared more. So I’m telling you make up your mind or simply stay away. And because you already have own up to it.

They say that some are simply naïve and are not aware of their actions consequences. I do not buy it. Because what makes us human isn’t simply the ability to act with rationality, but to act with feeling. You know what hurts, you know what saddens and you know what is right or wrong. And I hope for your own sake you are at least aware enough.

This is where I draw the line so quit acting like your clueless, cause you’re not or at least you shouldn’t be. Not on this one.

One and Only

I’m a happy kid. I say this because looking back at the past months I realized I haven’t been one. They say that kids are naturally happy because when you see the world through the eyes of a child everything is simple and wonderful. But the child in you dies when you get really hurt.

And because its true when they say that time heals all wounds no matter how deep and big, I woke up one day with the eyes of a child again.

You see children easily forgive. They easily forget that their playmate pushed them at the playground. They forgive that playmate who took their teddy away from them. And so children laugh and live a carefree life.

I honestly wish I could be a kid my entire life. When my biggest worry was where my Ballie was or who to play with the next afternoon. But I grew up. I grew up and discovered that the world is so much larger than my playground. That there’s so much more to life than my Ballie.

I grew up and I found love.

Long story short, I fell in love- twice. Became really happy- twice. Believed that love can last forever the first time then believed that it lasts forever and ever the second time. Then just like that, I got my heart broken – twice.

Walk that mile until the end starts.

And both times I wasn’t their one and only. And when you get your heart broken that way it hurts like hell. Because it doesn’t stop at breaking your heart but you also question your entire being, throw your self esteem at the window and then helplessly watch your old self disappear.

Until that one day when you realize that you have to pick yourself up because you deserve so much more than what you’re getting. You realize that you deserve to have sweet dreams instead of sleepless nights. You realize that you deserve to have happy and blissful days instead of long days locked up in your room. And you realize that you deserve the best kind of love there is instead of the one that has to be groveled for, and love should never be groveled for.

It’s very true when they say that it’s not easy to give your heart. And it’s especially hard when you have a kid’s heart like mine. Because it’s fragile, naïve even and faithful.

And because time does heal all wounds, today I have a happy heart, a soul in tact and a light spirit. It’s true that love comes when you least expect it to but this time I’d dare love to make me his one and only. Because I know I’m worthy.

On Repeat

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it’s taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I’m worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you’ll go

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling every word, I’ve imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve earned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody’s perfect, trust me I’ve earned it)
I know it ain’t easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain’t easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I’m worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I’m the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms

Because i’ve been listening to this song for hours now. And because it makes so much sense.. <3

Past Me Couldn’t Breathe

They say some of our most important realizations come to us in the most unexpected moments. I had one, just as I was reading an article about social capitalism (as to why I’m reading that article, don’t ask. Haha.).

breathe again

I can still remember the details – the words said, the pictures taken, the promises made, the tears cried, and anguish felt and even the clothes worn. Then at some point in that reverie tears slowly gathered in my eyes. And I asked myself why. And Present Me answered, “Because I remember how Past Me felt. I remember how she caught her breath. I remember how she pleaded for the pain to stop. I remember how she could barely get up in the morning. I remember how she cried herself to sleep at night. And because I remember that Past Me couldn’t breathe.”

I remember the details – the words said, the pictures taken, the promises made, the tears cried, the anguish felt and even the clothes worn.

Present Me cried for a while, she cried because Past Me felt that way, because Past Me had to feel that way. Because Past Me couldn’t breathe.

But just as quickly as it came, it was gone. Because as much as Past Me could hardly breathe, Present Me breathed in and breathed out. Because I remember the details, but I don’t remember the pain. Because they don’t have anything to do with the here and the now that Present Me is in.

After all, time does funny things to our hearts. Somehow, it manages to erase the pain, and seals the wound with a beautiful scar. And when this happens, we breathe again.

 

 

of love and expectations

Expectations. Somewhere in the past someone must have said that it’s just but normal to have certain expectations. Especially when you’re in a relationship with someone. And so we live by that rule. But the thing about expectations is that when they’re not met, they ruin everything.

I was having coffee with my friend Sosep one afternoon, as we were studying for our exam that was to take in an hour, he suddenly opened the topic about a friend having problems because of unmet expectations and so the proverbial question came up -  Is the relationship still worth keeping?

In that conversation, in the midst of a looming exam on the Reproductive System and the Human Sexual Response System, I realized a few things.

love begins at the point where you lower you expectations and the other reaches to meet them.

In every relationship, we always have expectations. It doesn’t matter what kind of a relationship you have, we always have expectations. And when they are not met, we get disappointed.

Sometimes people don’t meet our expectations because it simply isn’t who they are. Reality is we all have this idea of who someone is. We think that they are like this and that, because of this we form reasonable expectations. But the thing is, those are expectations reasonable only for that ideal someone, not who the person really is.

When we realize this, we are faced by a dilemma, because we want to accept people as they are yet we also want certain expectations to be met.

This is where love begins.

That place where bringing your expectation to the lowest that you can possibly allow and the other person reaching to meet that expectation the farthest that he can without compromising his identity. The point where this two meet, and where you accept it as it is. That is where love begins.

 

 

Loved.

I have always said that I’m not an angry person. I don’t see the world for the bad in it but for the so many good things that it has to offer. This is why I never got mad at you before. This is why I forgave you for something that so many people wouldn’t even dare try to get over. I forgave you. But you never forgave yourself. And so you were able to do the almost impossible – I am now mad at you. Because the heart can only bear so much pain. And because with a broken heart your walls can only go down but so low*.

I didn’t get mad at you when you cheated on me. On us. When you did nothing but throw away something, in your own words, different – good different. I forgave you because you told me that there are gradients of infidelity. Even if I knew that no matter what, infidelity is still infidelity. I forgave you even though I believe that infidelity may be a mutual sin but fidelity is a personal choice. Because we all make bad choices and certain circumstances can make us do stupid things with irreversible damages. I forgave you because you were only human. And as human beings we all have our weaknesses and our own limitations. I forgave you because I had faith in you and knew that you were so much more than what you did. I forgave you because I love you.

I didn’t get mad at you when you kept on pulling the strings between us. When you kept on coming in and out of my life just as you pleased. When every single time you walked away, you left me broken all over again. When all the progress I made just came shattering down the floor. When all the recovery that I’ve worked so hard on for days and weeks all fell apart with just a three minute phone call from you or a text message that took you seconds to type and send. I didn’t get mad at you for keeping me on your hook. I didn’t get mad because I knew that letting you in was my choice too. I didn’t get mad because I knew that somehow even just a little you were as lost as I was. I didn’t get mad because I love you.

I didn’t get mad when you gave up. Because to me, the only choice that actually made sense was to give every friggin possibility a chance, to exhaust all means. Because to me the choice was clear, it was to try, to keep trying no matter how it hurt at the end. Because that way I wouldn’t have a single regret and think of the what ifs. And I don’t want to look back one day and wonder if I gave us enough chances. Because to me the only reasonable choice was to fight for you even if every rational fiber of my being told me to run away. I didn’t get mad because giving up on us that easily wasn’t an option for me. You know that saying that goes, you only drown when you stay in the water, and that it’s either you swim for it or you sink? You chose to stay in the water,  and you chose to continue sinking. This is why we never had a second chance. I didn’t get mad because I love you.

Finally I wasn’t angry when you chose her over me. I didn’t get mad when you declared to the entire world how together you were already. I didn’t get mad after that incubation period you asked for even if I knew it was a bad idea, even if we already stopped talking, and started to move on our own separate ways, even if I knew it meant going back to square one all over again. I didn’t get mad at you for choosing her because if I knew everything that happened between us, you made that choice on your own. I didn’t get mad when you chose her over me even if it made me question my entire self worth. Even if it made a friend cry for me because she saw the agony in my eyes when I asked her when all the pain will end and if it ever will. I wasn’t angry at you for choosing her over me because I figured you must love her more than you love me, and given the kind of love we had, you must really really love her. And that was enough for me, so not once did I hope that the two of you won’t work out. I didn’t get mad at you because it’s not your fault you love her, that it’s how you feel and you had to make a choice, even if that choice was meant to break me. Because I simply can’t make you love me, and make your heart feel what it doesn’t**. I wasn’t angry because I love you.

And because I always knew I love you more than you love me, I let you go.

But as I said the heart can only bear so much. And right now the burden I keep is a love I can’t carry anymore***. I was fine, I was getting better. You were happy, at least I hoped. But you just had to screw it all up.

I didn’t get mad before because at one point or another things had to happen the way they did. But when that night happened I had to put my foot down and draw a line. Because it was enough. Because I always knew that when it comes to love nothing is ever certain, that everything is a risk and we take it at our own expense. So infidelity, confusion, pain and all that happened between us can be inevitable. But I always knew that when it comes to being human, its either you choose to be one or not. No matter what.

I was so hurt that I got angry at how painful it was. I was so hurt that I got mad at how easy it was for you to say the things that you said. And most especially say it the way you did. I always knew that people are capable of making others feel the way you made me feel but it’s just a matter of whether or not people would. And you did.

I got so hurt that the only other emotion left to feel was anger.

I got mad after you talked to me as if you weren’t there when all the shenanigans between us happened. I got mad when you talked to me as if I never even once brought anything good in your life. You talked to me as if you weren’t there every time you called in the middle of the night. You talked to me as if you weren’t there when you called on Christmas and things were okay between us. You talked to me as if you weren’t there when we both struggled because I told you I’m backing off already. You talked to me as if you weren’t there when you told me not to take my heart back just yet. You talked to me as if you weren’t there when all the countless bouts happened between us. So now I’m mad.

I’m so mad because you had the guts to count the months we’ve already broken up as if you weren’t there when final choices were made barely a month ago. I’m so mad because you talked to me as if I was never clear to you about what I wanted and as if you were. I’m so mad that you were able to raise your voice and refer to me as if I’m an incurable  disease someone would catch so I should stay away. I’m so mad because you talked to me as if I’m an ignorant lower life form totally out of its place. I’m so mad because after everything that happened you can still be so selfish and so self righteous at the same time. I’m so mad because you talked to me as if all these were my fault and mine alone. I’m so mad because you just couldn’t let that one go, or at least think if it would be better for everyone if you just kept it to yourself. I’m so mad because you could have talked to me calmly and be the mature individual you claim to be instead you chose to be a baby about it. And so I’m angry.

I’m so angry because you can’t get a hint and you act as if it’s a mystery why I don’t talk to you anymore. I’m so angry because you’re so focused on your own emotions that you don’t see how wrong you are and that not everything is about you. I’m so angry because you think it’s okay for you to just barge into my life and destroy all the order I have managed to restore. I’m so angry because you talked to me as if it’s your exclusive right to be happy. I’m so angry because you talk as if you have the right to question the things I do to recover and think your opinion on it should be relevant. I’m so angry at you because you think you’re entitled to come back into my life just whenever you please and not even look back at the wreckage you leave behind. I’m so angry because you tell me that I have no idea what you’re going through as if you have the slightest idea how hard I try to calm this raging storm inside me. I’m so angry because you dare get mad at me for trying to pick up and mend my pieces that you broke in the first place.

I’m so angry because while I try so hard to make things okay between us at the very least, you don’t even see it.

So I’m done trying and I don’t expect you to understand or to even try.

You see, it isn’t about reciprocity. It isn’t about giving me the same magnitude of consideration that I gave you, I’m well aware those were my choices. It isn’t even about who played the protagonist or the antagonist. Not even who lost more or gained more. And it isn’t about who loved more. Simply put, it’s being human because you feel, because you know what hurts and how much it hurts. It’s about still valuing the love that once was or simply remembering that at some point in our lives it was the best thing that ever happened to us. Even if it isn’t in the here and the now.

They say there is no such word as ‘loved’. Because love has no past tense or because we never truly stop loving people and we only learn to live without them. And if we ever stop loving someone, then we never truly loved them in the first place.

And so what hurt me the most that night was the way you made me feel that I love you, but you loved me.

feelings, we don't forget.

 

 

With lines from:

*Call your name – Chris Daughtry

**I can’t make you love me – Bonnie Raitt

***Breathe again – Sara Bareilles